


you're begining to feel like home

by thebeasknees



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Child Abuse, Cynthia Murphy Is A Bad Parent, Fluff, Found Family, Jared Kleinman Wont Show Up Much Lmao, Larry Murphy Is A Bad Parent, M/M, Soulmate AU, implied self harm, kind of, mental and physical, past technically but described graphically, suffocating fluff, tag as we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26486338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees
Summary: Evan looks like he's searching for something specific- like he's trying to find out what Connor really means, because oh, Connor probably isn't very trustworthy.But then he relaxes. His shoulders un-hunch and his eyebrows un knit themselves- returning into a neutral position. His eyes light up in curiosity as attempts to smile.Connor attempts to smile back."Hi," He starts, still dazed and looking into his eyes, trying to ground himself, "I'm Connor Murphy.""Hi,""I'm Evan Hansen."OR: An AU where you're assigned a guardian angel. Just read it: It's hard to explain.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 20
Kudos: 83





	1. i think i like you, i think you're okay

**Author's Note:**

> Only possibly trigger warning for this chapter is very veryveryvery vague childbirth! Enjoy and thankyou for reading:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ty for reading! Comments and kudos are appreciated, have a good day >3

_ The lights are blinding to her eyes as Lily screams- she can't feel, she can't breathe, everything is numb and too sensitive at the same time. She feels a rough hand on her thigh, and it lightly squeezes her in reassurance as she hears the doctors silently comfort her. _

_ She tries to blink a few times, but her eyelids are heavy and her arms hang loosely at her sides. She huffs, and lifts her head a little bit and tries her hardest to put her arms in a cradling position. _

_ There is weight there, and crying, and suddenly she can see and she looks at the baby- no, her baby, in the eyes, and she smiles, though it's weak and faltering. _

_ He looks into her like she's a window, clear as day, and it just. Stops crying. The tears dry on her child's face and he looks at her as if he knows her, as if she's familiar. For some reason, she feels like she knows him, too. _

_ And she sees it. _

_ She sees his left eye- the golden splotches that crown his pupil, and his face, littered with these yellow-colored freckles. How the roots of his hair look almost white. _

_ And she sees as the doctors gasp around her, hurrying her baby and taking him away from her just as quickly as she came, _

_ She knows she won't be able to keep him. _

  
  
  


_ \------------------------------------------------------------------------ _

  
  


_ Cynthia treated Connor like her child, truly. For the last 10 years, she's tried her best to take care of him. To treat him like her own. _

_ It didn't matter that he was given up to her and Larry by his, quote on quote, real Mother. It didn't matter that he was different- all that mattered was that he was her child, her eldest, at that, and that she would do anything to protect him. _

  
  


_ Larry had a much different approach. _

  
  


_ When Cynthia wanted to adopt, it wasn't a surprise that Larry was wary. Cynthia, originally, wanted a five to ten year old, but those kids had, and she quotes: A screw loose, as her husband said. _

_ So they settled for a baby. _

_ And it also wasn't a surprise when Larry wanted a guardian child, of all the other innocent children around. Of all the normal children around. Larry wanted something special, something shiny, and Connor, they named him, was exactly that. _

_ If anything, Connor was more of a decoration than a son: Larry insisted on not keeping his powers hidden. Insisted that the boy (he never referred to Connor as his boy a day in his life,) shouldn't have to hide that he's special. _

_ But Cynthia, for once, won that argument. And she's glad she did. What type of kid wants to be paraded around like a new watch, special or not? _

_ So she tried her best to make sure to make it as normal for Connor as possible. She dyed the roots of his hair black and got him contacts- covered his freckles up with foundation and nearly never talked about his Special Place In The World unless absolutely necessary. _

_ Her husband, though, made it hard to treat Connor like a normal kid. _

  
  


_ She stumbles into the kitchen and sighs when she sees Connor, shaking with tears over the diner table. Larry is sat next to him, his fists planted into the table. _

_ She swallows. _

_ "Connor. What do you want to be when you grow up?" Larry asks, and it seems like he's asked the question millions of times because his voice sounds worn and annoyed. _

_ "A- A doctor?" Connor whispers from under his breath, and he nearly jumps out of his seat when Larry slams his hand down on the table, the surface shaking with the force of it. _

_ "No. A guardian, Connor. You are going to meet someone-" _

_ "I know I'll meet someone!" Connor rasps, and it's creaky and shaky as he crumbles in on himself. " I just- I just don't want to, though! I wanna do what I wanna do, I don't- I don't want to practice anymore. I don't want to be a guardian!" _

_ Cynthia makes her footsteps quick in an attempt to get to him, but she's too late when she sees the exact moment Larry fires, and Connor's arm is roughly grabbed, as he's shaked and drops to the floor, Larry dragging him around like a rag doll. _

  
  


_ "You don't get to choose! You have no say! All you have to do is grow up and be a good guardian, do you see what I mean? All your purpose is is to serve and protect! Nobody cares about what you want, Connor!" _

_ Connor is shivering with his shoulders hunched when Larry lets go. He's sobbing, big fat clear tears rolling down his cheek. Larry gives him one last look before turning away and scowling.  _

  
  


_ "Please have dinner done by the time i' m home, Cynthia," He grabs his coat, phone and keys, walking out the front door and slamming it behind him. _

_ And just like that, he's gone. _

  
  


_ She runs to his side and comfortingly runs her hands through his hair as he mumbles into her chest. Connor is squeezing at her cardigan so hard that it hurts, and his snot and tears are staining it.  _

_ She should be strong. _

_ Cynthia knows she should have done something. I need to talk to him about it, she thinks. _

  
  


_ She never gets to it. _

  
  
  
  
  


___________________________________________

  
  
  
  


..

Connors day so far is, quite simply put, Fucking Shit.

First, it starts out with another speech from his father. The first he sees when he opens his eyes is his father's face- scowling at him and propping him to get up.Talking about how he should just be oh so excited to possibly meet his human. 

Like he even wants to.

To put it shortly, Connor thought the mere idea of guardians was strange- you meet them and suddenly everything makes sense? Suddenly you just need to protect them because they mean that much to you? Suddenly you have a whole 'nother life to worry about and you _like_ it?

  
  


There was also the point that this was treated like his only good reason for living, like he didn't have interests and personality traits and a fucking _life_ , most importantly. Like all he gathered up to was some pretty protector. 

Zoe already left with his car when he comes downstairs, so he has to walk, and it's not usually a problem, usually, he likes walking- But it's raining like hell outside and he has no umbrella, and his Mom did offer to drive him to school but there was no way in hell he was getting into his Dad's car.

No way.

So he was stuck walking in the rain thinking about possibly meeting his human because of his stupid genes, and he was thinking about it because of his stupid Dad, and his stupid Mom just looked so worried for him so now he feels guilty.

So today was pretty sucky.

Connor walks into his stupid school with his stupid peers or whatever whispering when he goes by, going _I heard_ and _I saw_ or ' _Did You See What Connor Murphy Did Today Wow That Was So Crazy'._

So guilty, annoyed, tired _and_ bitter.

Fucking fantastic.

Connor walks by this guy, Bared or Bare, and he tries to get past him without getting something called out to him because he is so not in the damn mood at the moment.

But _Jared_ , (he makes a noise of disappointment when he realizes the name,) says something anyway.

  
  
  


"Nice haircut, Connor, very school shooter chic!"

What?

_What the fuck did he just say_?

  
  


Connor looks towards him and doesn't even have the energy to try to hold back his scowl(or he just doesn't want to,) and he feels a little satisfaction when he sees Jared halt and cower. He sneers at him and rolls his eyes.

"It was- It was a joke." Jared mumbles out, and Connor thinks ' _Hardy-Fucking-Har_ ', and he rolls his eyes so hard they nearly roll to the back of his head and stay there.

"Oh no. Can't you see? I'm laughing." Connor explains, completely stoic, chipping at his nails. Jared scoffs at him and Connor's eyes snap up. "Oh, I'm sorry, am I not laughing hard enough for you? Would you like me to laugh harder?"

Jared slowly falters and Connor closes in because for fucks sake, a fist fight sounds _so_ good at the moment. 

"You're such a freak." Jared squeaks out, and he almost runs away, his tail between his legs.

_Coward_.

Connor tries to take a deep breath, but it feels like he's just breathing out, and out, and out over and over again as he tries to calm down. He hears a faint chuckle, nervous and random but still there, and he glares as he looks at the culprit.

But then, something changes.

It feels like there's gears in him and they're moving in him, shifting his guts around and placing them in the right positions like they haven't been in the right way since forever. He feels right, and he feels at home- there's a warm feeling that crowds around his chest and suffocates him. He can barely hear anything, and something is happening, something is positioning:

_ Click. _

  
  


He jumps, because _what the actual fuck is that_ , and he looks up again and he's met with Evan Hansens eyes and.

And it all comes together.

The click, the warmth, the feeling- Evan Hansen was his human. Evan Hansen was his 'soulmate.' Evan Hansen was supposed to be his _everything_.

_ Why did he feel so okay with that? _

  
  


"I..Hello?" Evan Hansen's voice meets his ears, and it's the first time he's ever heard it. It's so soft and fragile, so breakable- and _very_ scared. 

Connor is _scaring_ him. 

"I'm sorry." Connor says, and he tries to approach slowly because he has never wanted someone to not be scared of him in his entire life, and to his surprise, Evan doesn't take a step back. In fact, he takes a step closer.

Evan looks like he's searching for something specific- like he's trying to find out what Connor really means, because oh, Connor probably isn't very trustworthy.

But then he relaxes. His shoulders un-hunch and his eyebrows un knit themselves- returning into a neutral position. His eyes light up in curiosity as attempts to smile.

Connor attempts to smile back.

"Hi," He starts, still dazed and looking into his eyes, trying to ground himself, "I'm Connor Murphy."

"Hi,"

"I'm Evan Hansen."

  
  
  



	2. when life just seems too fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That's cool."

Evan Hansen has never liked the idea of a guardian angel.

And he could see it, he supposes, in any other life but his. A normal person with a normal guardian and a normal life and a normal mindset- plain and sweet and simple. 

He wishes that he was like that. But frankly, he wasn't. Evan was sweaty, and messy, and going through crises every other day. Evan was anxious, and all he thinks about is _what ifs, what might, what could's_ , and _buts_. He didn't know what he was, neither what he wanted to be, and it was frustrating.

  
  


And he would feel so guilty just. Laying that, that type of weight, that many problems on someone. He hated the idea of someone being assigned a person like him. He hated the idea of someone having, to, at all costs, love him and protect him.

And liking it?

Liking his fits of sadness and anger, liking his sweaty hands and his stuttering and his absolutely crippling anxiety, liking his face that was just filled with acne spots and his strawberry legs and his belly and all he was, all he was was insecurities and flaws and more insecurities just stacked on top of each other over and over again to make a person. 

And who, tell him, please: would enjoy protecting someone like that? Who would enjoy being by somebody's side who doesn't know a damn thing about themselves?

So now he kind of takes out the 'love' part and replaces it with him being a chore to his guardian. Like a responsibility of some sort.

  
  


So that's what he thinks is happening when Connor asks him over to a coffee friend hangout( That sounded insanely awkward in his head), and that's what he thinks when he pulls the chair out for him and pays for him and just. Acts like he's so fragile and breakable and soft. 

Connor is handling him like he deserves to be treated as something that needs to have its time taken on.

Evans never felt anyone do that for him before.

"So, uh.." Connor trails off, and he looks genuinely nervous- he keeps on tapping his foot against the floor below them. Evan starts to count them in an attempt to calm down.

_ One, two, three, four.. _

_ One, two, three, four... _

  
  


"How's the weather today?" Connor mutters, and Evan is trying not to reach out and touch his hand, he really is, but it is physically paining him being this close to Connor and not being able to have some sort of contact with him.

Apparently, Connor feels it, because guardians can  _ do  _ that, Evan remembers, because he shuffles in his seat and clears his throat.

  
  


One, two, three, four….

One,two,three, four….

"Uh, it's- it's good! You know, for the trees. And stuff. Uh-" He flushes and tries to catch up with himself because why would he mention the idiotic trees in the middle of this very stale conversation, why couldn't they just sit in oddly comfortable silence, why did Evan have to run his dumb mouth? 

Connor giggles, and Evan would be focused on how earnest it is if he didn't feel so bare at the moment. 

Even his guardian thinks his interests are stupid. It must be such a mockery, such a mockery to be stuck with a human like him, and technically guardians are humans but they're still sent from the literal heavens to protect and to serve, and it's like. Their whole point is to try to make sure their assigned human gets the best.

And Connor got stuck with a human who likes trees.

  
  


An embarrassment.

  
  


Evan looks away, and Connor's eyes snap up and meet him. "Shit. Fuck. I'm- I'm not laughing at you, that's just precious."

_Precious_?

Evan's never had his tree obsession described as precious. 

It kind of feels nice, to be talked about in that way. To be seen in that way.

He's kinda already addicted to it.

And it's too perfect. There's no way he never saw Connor, and never saw this. All of this softness, and how pretty he looks and just..

Why didn't he just pay attention to him?

Connor was just- just right there, and he didn't see him? 

Another way that Evan is Absolutely Useless.

  
  


"..Wanna come back to my place?"

Jesus _christ_ -

"I mean not like- like that, just to chill or whatever." The way Connor says it makes it sound like he's been practicing it, like the sentence was thought out. Evan nods dismissively, and stands up. "I.. You paid?"

"Yeah,"

"Yeah, I did."

  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  


Evan is on Connor Murphy's floor, the carpet rough against his hands and his feet, and there's just plain silence. 

  
  


Except the soft music in the music. Thankfully, it's something Evan can easily focus on. He counts the beats and tries to catch on to it so he can hum along. 

Humming has always done him good.

"So, uh, Hansen… Do you like to, like. Play video games?"

Video games?

Evan's never been good at those. He used to be, when he used to visit Jared's house a lot but. They just stopped talking, as much, and Jared only calls him over now for obvious reasons.

So.

_Was_ he good at them?

"No- Not, not really? It's… I used to be, but it just- I mean, I used to like them, but, well, I do, but- some games are just really anxiety inducing and I know that sounds kinda weird, because like, who gets scared over a game but fast things really scare me so I just, I really like watching minecraft and animal crossing playthroughs? And I know that sounds really basic but it's all I really like and the physics are just really pretty and-"

Evan pauses as he sees Connor calmly looking at him, like he's just. Listening to what he's saying? Which is weird, that's weird, because who would actually listen to him because he's like, super loud and annoying or whatever and just.. Not worth listening to.

"I'm sorry. I'm rambling, ar- aren't I? I'm sorry." Evan mumbles, and he kind of flinches at how fast Connor is to defend. 

" _No_! I mean, uh, no. No, I'm listening. But while you're talking, can I just get Minecraft started?"

Minecraft?

Evan feels himself light up because his head goes ' _building, trees, flowers_ ,' and he grins, even though it's shy and small. 

"Okay.. Uh, okay? Well- Well, what I was saying about physics and stuff was…"

  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  


Evan has his head pressed against Connor's bed, and breathes out as he focuses on the screen. It shines on his face, and he glances outside. The sun is setting and it's lighting Connor's face. He can almost see the dyed white roots in his hair.

"My family isn't gonna be back for friday and the weekend, by the way. So like. If you wanna hang here, we can." Connor mumbles. He's making a garden and Evan is telling him which flowers to use.

Fuck.

Fuck, Evan has to tell his Mom.

And she wouldn't say no, of course, but she would question the hell out of him when he got home.

  
  


But Connor was so nice, and Evan was actually making a _friend_ , guardian or not, and just.

He would just text her.

  
  


He didn't have to tell her everything.

He sends a quick message to his Mom, that he's with a friend and he finally got one so he wasn't gonna be home for the night.

"Yea- Yeah, okay. Let's do that." They fall into soft silence as the sun sets, and Connor suddenly gets up. Evan's eyebrows raise. "What happened?"

"Gotta find you clothes, Evan." He says, and Evan's never heard his name in such a soft term. Such a stern a sweet way- when people are saying his name, it's either teasing or pity. 

Evan liked the way Connor says his name.

"Oh, yeah, okay."

  
  


Connor disappears into the closet, and he sounds like he's shuffling through things when he pulls out a hoodie that will absolutely not fit him and some basketball shorts.

"Here. Change in the bathroom for me, yeah?" 

Evan kind of makes this sound of agreement but really it's embarrassment, because Connor said 'for me' at the end of it and it made his heart do like. Fifty backflips, but he ignores it and walks into the bathroom.

Evan can _not_ afford to get a crush right now.

The hoodie goes down to his knees, and he can kind of see the shorts peek out. He walks out the bathroom and awkwardly waits for instructions, and Connor looks him up and down. "Jesus, it's like you disappeared under there," And it's supposed to be a joke, and surprisingly, it doesn't fall flat- Evan smiles and snickers a little.

"I- Where am I uh, sle- sleeping?"

  
  


"Oh, I'll sleep on the floo-"

"No!" Evan quickly remarks, and suddenly goes to lay down on the floor. "I'm the guest, that would be rude of me," Connor grabs him by his waist and hoists him up, pushing him onto the bed. 

"Yeah, you are the guest, and that means it would be _rude_ of me to-" Evan starts giggling, and this very serious conversation they were having suddenly turns into play fighting. 

After they calm down, a few breaths are taken. Evan looks to him when Connor taps his shoulder.

"If we can't make a decision, you can. Sleep on one side and i'll sleep on the other?"

Evan's heart nearly actually just falls, spills right out of his gut, because _yes he would like that and very much so._

Evan slips into the bed and shrivels onto the farthest side. Connor does the same, except he sits up, still looking to the TV. Evan is on the cusps of sleep when he hears a voice.

"Evan?"

"Yeah?"

"Everything sucks," He remarks, and shrugs, "Everything sucks, but you don't. I kinda want to spend the rest of life with you. That cool?"

"Mhm," Evan nods, and he doesn't feel scared. He doesn't. "That's cool."


	3. my love, have no fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor dine with the Murphy's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: For implied past self harm or seeing self harm scars, also past child abuse

In the morning, Connor doesn't know what he was expecting, waking up into the crowded warmth that was his bed. He doesn't know what his thought process was.

At first, the safe, at home feeling was foreign. He nearly never felt safe, including at the house-(he never calls it his home. It's far from that,) even  _ more  _ so with his parents in the same house as him. So why is it on this day that he feels like he's warm, like he's on a bundle of clouds that are cradling him just right, why he feels so soft, so light?

He doesn't get it.

Until he looks over, across the room.

Evan is sitting there, in Connor's bean bag, silently reading a book that he must have brought with him because Connor's never bought a book like that.

Connor's eyes travel along Evan's arm, and his full, filled out face that has freckles lightly spouted across it. They make their way down his neck, and disappear under the shirt. Evan has his leg kind of shifted up, and half of his belly is showing since he's thrown all about in the chair.

The shorts are riding up.

And Connor is still in too much of a sleepy trance to realize that this is Very Much Invading On Evan's privacy. He's kind of just staring, and Evan is just. In his own space.

He is suddenly very much awake when he sees scars that cross their way around Evan's legs and start to move up and up and up. His breath gets caught in his throat.

_ You're just as fucked up as me, aren't you? _

Evan shifts around in the seat, seeming to be getting a bit agitated, groaning lightly and Connor stays still completely in fear of being noticed . His leg is dead under the weight of one of his pillows.

  
  


"Connor?" He acts like he's blinking awake, and he sits up, a slight smile on his face. 

"Hi."

"Hi."

Connor crawls out of the bed, and Evan tenses up a little, so he slows his steps. There's something about Evan that makes him hyperfocus on every single movement he makes- he feels like Evan always looks nauseous, like, all the time- maybe it's just Connor?

Yeah, it's probably just Connor.

  
  


He doesn't want to point out the scars. He doesn't. One time that happened to him in public and it.. Really fucked with him. They were old, and he had been clean for like, a month and two and a half days before some dick decided to point them out.

"Promise me you'll never do it again?" Is something he's heard too many times for seventeen years of living.

But he wants Evan to know that he won't, like, judge him. And scars are nothing to be proud of, at  _ all,  _ their proof of something you wanted to do to yourself that's like. Horrible. But he refuses to be ashamed of them. They don't make him ' beautiful' or 'strong' because he's neither, but they make him human.

The movements around his room are slow. Evan is still in his clothes and they just sit around watching childhood cartoons and shit for the rest of the morning. 

  
  


Connor's completely forgotten about school and doesn't really care about skipping at the moment. If Evan isn't noticing, he should ignore it too.

The door from downstairs opens.

And it clicks in Connor's head how suspicious this must look- Evan is in his clothes in his bean bag with those fucking shorts on and a soft ruffle to his hair- and  _ Connor _ knows that it's from sleeping but who knows that his parents will think.

Evan is stumbling around the room and Connor is freezing and his brain is going  _ shit fuck oh fuck oh shit shit fuck shit fuck  _ over and over again when the door to his room opens.

He  _ just  _ got his room door back.

Larry is the first to collect Evan into his eyesight. He quickly runs him down with a judgy glare to his eye and Connor cowers under it, looking at the floor in shame.

He knows it's not wrong.

And yet, it feels like it is.

"Connor," comes his thundering voice, and it shoots down on him and he flinches back. Evan seems defensive- has a new look to him Connor hadn't ever seen before. 

Protective? Yeah, surely protective. His eyebrows are furrowed in concentration and he grabs Connor's shoulder. He's shaky, it's  _ clear  _ he's scared, but he still looks brave.

"Who is this?" Connor can't find the words to describe. He doesn't know how to answer, and he needs to get it out, why can't he get it out?

Tears are starting to whelm up in his eyes, and he quickly wipes them away.

_ Suck it up, Murphy. Get your shit together. _

He does what the voice in his head tells him to do. He sniffles and tries to make eye contact and fails, eyes quickly flickering back to his feet.

"He's my- He's my human. That's why I-I had him here, Dad." He mumbles, stutters more like(he's starting to sound a lot like Evan now that he thinks about it), and normally Larry would tell him to speak up, but it seems he's too surprised. 

"Oh."

There's silence. Zoe goes upstairs and slams her door. Cynthia looks teary eyed.

"Won't you invite him to sit down for dinner with us, Connor?"

  
  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  
  


Connor already hates sitting with his family.

One: His Dad. He constantly picked at him and like.. Gave him a hard time over small things, like how he was sitting or talking or fucking  _ breathing. _ It was always a thing with him.

Sometimes his Dad gets so angry he throws things, or grabs him, and he can't do anything  _ back  _ because what would the consequences be?

Two: His Mom. She never said anything about his comments, always asked him about his day that was  _ obviously  _ horrible, and constantly like. Grabbed him and shit, which freaked him out. She never listened when he told her to stop.

His sister isn't on this list because she eats upstairs. Understandable, he would do the same if he could- it isn't exactly.. The most pleasant experience, eating with The Murphy Family.

(It's shit.)

"So, Evan, when did you find Connor?" Cynthia's quiet voice comes, and Evan's head twitches up. He attempts a grin at her but still has a soft but firm grip on his arm.

"Oh, we met in a- we met in a, well, we met in the hallway? We just. My friend was walking away and then we just kind of- kind of locked eyes and we just. That was pretty much it, it wasn't like su- super romantic like in the movies, but of course you would know that- sorry." Evan mumbles, and it's the same way Connor talks when his Dad is talking to him. He can tell Larry is getting agitated when he rolls his eyes and gives Connor a look of up and down.

Evan pointedly tenses and makes it obvious that he's pulling Connor closer to him.

It makes him feel strangely protected. Even though there's no way to run away from Larry.

Cynthia is grinning, and it seems like she's about to cry. She reaches out for Connor's hand, and when he tries to slip away, she grips harder.

He makes a noise of protest.

It hurts.

He knows she's not a threat. She's never hit him before.  _ He knows she would never hurt him. _

But. He's still terrified of her.

Evan slaps her hand away, and it seems like it was on instinct, like he really didn't mean it. "I'm sorry mam', it just seemed like he was un- uncomfortable."

Her face tightens. He lowers further into his seat and he needs to get it together, be strong, to not be such a pussy, but Evan is There and Evan is Helping and he's so warm and so soft and he's holding him against him so delicately, like he could break him, and he's never been held like this before.

"I'm sorry, but this is still my son. I believe I can touch him if I want to."

When she reaches out again, Evan full on stands up and helps Connor up along with him, pushing the dinner to the middle of the table.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Murphy, but m- but me and Connor are done here." Connor is wary to follow. Larry has a glare on him, and he makes a  _ sit down  _ motion with his hand.

But the door is right there.

He can run, right now. With Evan. To.. Wherever they're going.

Evan lightly wraps his pinkie around Connor's and squeezes. 

Connor squeezes back.

  
  
  
  
  


____________________________________________

  
  


It's raining hard outside. It batters down on his head and Connor greets it as they run under the cloudy skies. "You know you're not like," Connor takes another breath, a hot burn in his throat, "Saving me, right?"

It's random, he knows. But just because he came from a somewhat abusive household (it wasn't even thst bad- so many people had it way fucking worse than him) doesn't mean he wants to be saved.

Evan shakes his head and suddenly halts under a building. He's huffing and puffing, and between his breaths, he mumbles out words. "No, of course not,"

"But do you want to like. Tell me, maybe? What happened. While you were.. In their house."

"I don't know if I'm, like, ready yet.." Connor whispers, half hoping not to be heard. When he told that to Miguel, he freaked. Went on a rampage about how he  _ deserved _ to know what made Connor so, well, Connor.

He's not expecting it when Evan doesn't push.

"Tha- That's okay. Uh, do you wanna keep going?"

Connor nods, and they run all over again. Connor likes it. He likes that burn in his throat and the exhilaration and the cold hair brushing against his neck. He thinks he's starting to like the feeling of running.

"Where are we going?"

"My house."


	4. i'd like to walk around in you're mind someday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor, while in the house, have a conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Nightmares, breakdowns

Evan would consider himself good. At analyzing, he means. He would consider himself aware of social cues, a little too aware, honestly. 

And Connor is.. Terribly easy to read, for someone who has so many walls built up.

They are sitting on Evan's bed. Who knows how long it's gonna be til Heidi comes home- probably until tomorrow. Connor is shivering, and bad. He's scratching at the sheets and his eyes are flicking around urgently.

It freaks Evan out how he already wants to be there for him, already wants to know all his secrets and all his bones, all of them by heart. 

He wants to know  _ all  _ of Connor. Every bone. Every crease.

As he thinks of it more, he becomes less and less scared of the concept of Connor.

"H- Hey," Evan starts softly, reaching out for Connor's cheek. Connor leans into it, rests his face in Evan's hand.

Evan lightly brushes a few loose strands behind his ear.

This wasn't normal. At all. He's trying to search in Connor's eyes that will give Evan any type of hint. 

"Are you okay?" He knows it's a dumb question. Like, logically, he knows good and well, but he still wants to Help And Comfort and do anything that might lighten up the mood in this.. Very blue situation.

"I'm fine, Ev. Don't worry about me." Connor stands up, picking up his bag. Evan makes a look of confusion. 

"You have to let me go." He whispers. His eyes are glued to the floor.

Connor looks like he's on the brink of tears, but he quickly wipes them all away. Evan' s eyebrows crease. "N- _ No,  _ Connor, I saw what happened in there, I'm not letting you go- you go back there." 

"You don't know my Dad like I do. He's- He's fucking  _ cruel  _ Evan." Connor croaks- his voice is cracking into pieces, and Evan didn't have arguments with his Mother all the time for nothing.

He's  _ going  _ to win this one.

"He can't follow us. He  _ wouldn't. _ He doesn't know where we are. You're safe."

Connor huffs, wiping tears again. "But how do you  _ know  _ that, Evan? How are you sure?"

"I would- I would never let anything happen to you.  _ I've  _ got you now." Evan states, and he sits back on the bed. 

"You're persistent." Connor states, sniffling.

He sits himself next to Evan and sighs, flopping back onto the bed.

  
  


So they sit there. 

  
  


"Promise me you won't leave." Connor mumbles, and it's almost like he didn't want to be heard with how quiet it is. 

Evan likes Connor.

Evan likes everything about Connor, so far. They haven't even really known each other for that long, but he  _ wants  _ to learn. He wants to pick up all of Connor's interests, all his ticks, all his pet peeves. He wants to learn, he's  _ so  _ desperate to.

And he wants to help.

He doesn't want to  _ fix-  _ all the things he's tried to fix have ended badly. He wants to help. 

And he can't do that if he leaves, now can he? 

"I- I promise." Evan assures, looking over to him. He attempts to smile at him. Connor returns one back to him.

But then Connor kind of twists so he's looking at Evan straight in the face. He cowers under Connor's intense gaze, and tries to search in his features for a hint at what he's doing.

The cheeks of his face are a pretty, paleish pink color. He has his lips firmly pressed together and he keeps on avoiding eye contact.

Connor is.. Shy?

"Pinky swear?" He says, and Evan nearly chokes and goes ' _ come again? _ ' Because did he really just hear that right?

"I said.. Fuck, do you pink swear?" Connor looked like he was serious about this, like this was really important to him. He can't help but sort of grin. "This is  _ serious _ , Evan! Do you pinky swear or not?"

Evan reaches out his finger and sighs. 

This boy is  _ so  _ endearing.

  
  


"I pinky swear." Evan promises, and they shake fingers.

  
  


Evan is sure more than ever that he's going to  _ learn  _ Connor. All of him. Everything.

  
  


How could anyone not want to?

  
  


____________________________________________

  
  
  


Evan is a light sleeper. He's like, always had a weird thing with showers with curtains or the whole Monster Under The Bed myth- sleeping is kind of.. Weird. You're at complete vulnerability. Somebody can just come in while your family is asleep and murder you, or your Mom, and what would you do? You're  _ asleep. _

So he's nearly never  _ actually  _ asleep. He's always half.

So he is quickly startled up when there's a loud screech that flows directly into his ear.

He stumbles up and he flicks around the room with his eyes. 

He quickly notices that it's Connor whos making all the ruckus.

Connor is shivering, and crying, and  _ screaming-  _ loud. He's grasping at the sheets and taking deep, large breaths, like he's out of them, and as soon as he looks in Evan's direction he starts crying  _ harder,  _ and Evan brings him in close, rubbing comforting circles into his back. 

Evan has never dealt with something like this before. Personally, of course, but not with anyone else. He's panicking, and his brain is going  _ fuck shit fuck shit  _ as he races to try and comfort him.

Connor is muttering something into his shoulder, scratching at his back and leaning further and further into his chest, so Evan shushes him, runs his hand through his hair. 

Connor's breathing starts to even out, and his arms hang loosely around Evan's back.

"Hey," Evan mutters, scared to alarm him, and Connor's head snaps up to him. "Bad- Bad dream?"

Connor nods. "Lifetime type of thing…"

_ Oh.  _

Evan has heard of nightmares for guardians- especially the ones that got dealt bad hands or worse, bad humans.

Worse than that, the  _ wrong  _ humans.

"I think I just got.. The wrong humans so many times? I've never felt the click before, and it was just. I can't remember anything  _ clearly _ , but.. There are still memories? Heavy ones. And in this one, the- he was…" Connor trails off, and he chokes up again. Takes a deep breathe in.

"You don- You don't have to, um, tell me? It's okay. Because I guess I'm the right one and- yeah. We've found each other? More like  _ you've  _ found  _ me.  _ And. Those nightmares are obviously just- just really bad, and you can tell me when you're ready." Evan settles. Words were hard, but he hopes he got his point across.

Connor nods.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we go to Ellison Park tomorrow?"


	5. at least in this lifetime, we're sticking together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip to the park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh last chapter! I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it.:) have a good day!

In the morning, Connor is awoken by the light coming through the window. Evan has several- all of them look out and into the backyard. The sun is heavy on his eyes, and there's that feeling in his stomach that is so unsure, and so, so familiar.

It feels like they were supposed to be.

Evan tangles limbs with him, and everything fits. Connor's neck is long enough to take in Evans' head. His waist is high enough that Evan can throw himself over it, and the crook in Evan's neck is perfect for fingers to trace there.

They fit. They are the puzzle to each other's pieces.

The bed smells of pine and smells like sleep- like naps and body warmth all mushed up in one. There is a roll in his heart, like there is every morning- he takes his first breath and lets his lungs fill, exhaling right after.

Evan's hands rest neatly under his shirt, crawl their way around his back. Connor's hair is messily tangled and thrown around, and he breathes in Evan again.

This is all he wants to do, for the rest of his time. All he wants to do is let Evan and him just. Exist.

Just existing is enough.

Evan shuffles, and Connor lets him move away from him. Cold air hits his bare stomach, and he hisses, huffing a little in annoyance.

Evan's hand moves from under his shirt and up to the cheek of his face, making small patterns there.

Connor kind of feels embarrassed. He's aware of all the bumps that lay there.

"Constellations," Evan whispers, making the same movement across his cheek at a comforting pace. Connor makes a sound of confusion- a small hum.

It comes to mind that Connor doesn't think this is a very friend-ish thing to do with someone- but this was his.. 'Soulmate', or whatever. Not only was he his soulmate, he was  _ Evan. _ Nothing quite beats that.

  
  


"So, about the pa- the park. Do you still want to go?" Evan mutters, hand drifting off and down to Connor's neck.

Connor sleepily slips into his memories, searches for anything that might involve the park. 

Then it clicks.

" _ Oh,"  _ He blinks, nodding. "Mhm. Yeah, we can totally go there." Connor replies. That's where Evan fell, apparently. "But isn't that the park where you fell?"

Evan tenses up, his eyebrows lifting. 

Connor can't help but think he hit a soft spot.

"Well,  _ yeah,  _ but. I still like it there. Really c- calming." Evan replies, and Connor nods.

_ Okay then. _

"Does your Mom know I'm here?" He asks, because nobody has abruptly walked in on them yet, and Evan  _ actually  _ has a door, when, in Connor's case, he doesn't(or didn't?) Get that privilege very much. It was always the little things that got his door taken away. A little attitude, coming home late- doing normal teenager shit.

Would he have to deal with that ever again?

He doesn't want to think about that. That problem is for tomorrow, and right now he's next to Evan, so he can let his mind take over later.

Right now he needs to focus.

"Yeah, I messaged her. She's…  _ ecstatic _ , that I 'met someone.'" He copies, and he makes this really mocky Supportive Mom voice, all high and breathy. 

Connor rolls his eyes, giggling a little. "Okay," He says, brushing his hair behind his ear, "Then we're set."

  
  


As they stumble around Evan's room together, Connor learns lots of things about said house. There are way too many cracked window sills to count, Evan has an  _ insane  _ amount of plants for one human(no wonder the air in the house is so fresh), the Evan has like. Five toothbrushes 'just in case.' 

Connor doesn't know what that means, but decides on passing it by.

  
  


Connor is learning a lot of things about Evan Hansen in his freetime, and the more he learns, the more he wonders how he doesn't have hundreds of friends.

"Are you- Are you ready?"

Connor takes a deep breath in, and then out.

"Yeah. Let's get going."

  
  


____________________________________________

  
  


Ellison Park is really quiet for a saturday morning. Way too quiet. The only noise are the birds chirping in the trees and the sound of them walking around, the crunching of the sticks under their feet.

It's got a charm to it.

It's really cold, so Connor had to pile up several of Evan' s biggest hoodies onto himself. He looks like a puff ball, burying himself deeper into the several scarfs around his neck, smelling that Evan Smell again.

Evan, on the other hand, seems fantastically fucking fine without a jacket. He has like,  _ one,  _ and the most hilarious thing is that it's half way zipped down, so it's not even really  _ doing _ anything.

Silly Evan.

Evan starts running, and Connor hates running with a burning passion, but this is Evan we're talking about, so of  _ course  _ he'll run as well.

"Connor," Evan starts, abruptly stopping and making jazz hands towards a random tree, "This," The jazz hands are progressively getting more and more aggressive, "Is my favo- Is my favourite tree! Ta-Da!" 

Connor doesn't know when he starts applauding silently. "I love her. She's gorgeous." He deadpans, and he didn't mean to be sarcastic, but Evan grins like he's proud of said tree, completely ignoring Connor's attitude.

He is just.  _ Too  _ precious, fucksake.

They continue to walk on after Evan gives him a speech about how important trees are to the environment- and it's not like Connor wasn't  _ well aware  _ that they need trees to breathe- what totally didn't happen is that Connor acted like he was completely clueless to the statistics of being a human so Evan could continue talking. 

That  _ totally  _ didn't happen.

  
  
  


Evan keeps on talking about this clearing where it looks like a field of some sorts. Connor listens, of course, because listening to Evan Hansen talk was quickly becoming one of his favourite pastimes.

The first thing he sees is the clearing when he looks up from Evan, and holy shit, Evan  _ really wasn't lying. _

There are a few trees that crown the structure, tall and thick, shading some of the areas in the field. 

Connor makes the mistake of looking towards him.

Evan, when you're this close, has freckles that go from his cheeks to his shoulders. They're so small but there are so many of them that they kind of blend in with him- and he has  _ really  _ pigmented lips- ridiculously pigmented lips that he really just wants to kiss. His hair is getting a little long, and it' s starting to crawl to his neck. Every single time the breeze comes, it makes the bang of Evan's hair fluff around, just a little. 

The sun shines their way when a cloud moves, and it's just enough to give a little light to Evan's eyes. Brown and with these little traces of light brown in them, just a little, and everything is  _ so  _ balanced and everything feels so  _ perfect, has anything ever felt so perfect before? _

He needs to find out if this will last. He can't get attached to this without knowing if it's going to last.

"Are we gonna," Connor starts, and Evan's head snaps up at him, listening to him  _ so  _ closely, like he actually has something worthy of saying. "Are we always gonna be like this?"

Evan looks like he's thinking, his lips pressed firmly together. The air meets his ears and messes Evan's hair up all over again. "Of course." Evan responds, and he sounds awfully sure of himself for someone who hasn't known him for long.

Then Connor remembers what got him into this in the first place.

He remembers the nightmares- all those time periods of humans that he wasn't supposed to get, all that pain, all that weight that he'll carry on with for the rest of his (many) lives. 

What if he loses him again?

"In every lifetime?"

Evan reaches out for his hand, and when he has a grip, he squeezes lightly, and offers him a reassuring grin.

  
  
  


"In every lifetime."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are much appreciated. Have a good day >3


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